New Year

Another blogger that I read asked her audience to fill her in on what changed for them and their life in 2010. I have been thinking about this for a few days, trying to decide what had changed, not in my surroundings, because that is pretty obvious, but in my heart.

It is much harder to know the changes that can't be seen, and it takes some reflection to come up with an honest answer. I have spent a lot of 2010 floundering. I have felt a lot of internal conflict about my life, my work, my priorities and my purpose. I don't feel that I have gotten very far in coming to conclusions in those areas, and it has been frustrating for me, but a rewarding journey as I spend time trying to know myself better.

During the past year I have worked hard to live my values, and to find meaning in my life in the places and the times that I can control. Instead of arguing and stewing about political issues that bug me, I have volunteered in my community and given to the under served whenever possible. I have learned that living ones values is of much more importance than how one votes.

If I had to sum up my year, I certainly couldn't tie a nice satin bow on it and call it a completed chapter. It has been a year of growth, but not of maturity. For 2011 I have a lot of hopes. For my family, I hope for good health and time spent together and not taken for granted. For myself, I hope for better physical condition, improved professional clarity, fulfilling public service and I hope to become a better photographer and blogger. Happy New Year!

I Hope

This morning I was enjoying my family, and preparing lunch for my even bigger family with the Dixie Chicks as my soundtrack.

This is one of my favorite songs, from probably my favorite album ever, and it puts the happy in my melancholy mood. As hard as I find it to live in a world where so many people live with unmet needs and pain and heartache, I have some hope.

'Cause our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

Fat Girl

There is something quite humbling about having your love handles pinched by a body fat measuring device, manned by a perfectly toned personal trainer. But, much like how I never imagined that I would allow myself to lay in a hospital bed with a spot light and a crowd all gathered around my lady parts, desperate times call for desperate measures. And at nearly 2 years removed from Thea's grand entrance under the spotlight, my belly growth has taken off again and this time I have no excuse, so desperate measures it is once again.

I bought the gym membership in a fundraiser, the fat pinch and weigh in were a free bonus. I have a long ways to go, but talking about it creates accountability, right?

Advent

I mentioned to Cory this morning that if not for the icky colds that our girls have developed, today would have been a good day to make a rare appearance in church. He encouraged me to go by myself and enjoy the service without having to worry about keeping the kids under control, and so after a short hesitation when I contemplated staying in my pajamas all day, I headed up to the shower and got myself out the door just in time.

As I sat in church listening to the soothing prelude being played I contemplated my weekend, my year, my life. As O come, O come, Emmanuel sung out from the piano, faces scrolled through my mind. The dear friend that I know is hurting and hoping to feel the presence of God her life. My Mother in Law Sandi, who is fighting disease and uncertainty. The families that I see in the food pantry, hoping for a windfall to get them through. The beautiful little family that was making their first trip to church as a complete family after their baby girl came home from the hospital, a two time open heart surgery survivor. God is good.

I am not a fan of the Holiday season. It always seems like an excuse to spend too much money, eat too much food and book too many activities. Whenever I go to church it seems that I find myself leaving there having been personally spoken to. With our pastor out of town for the holiday weekend, I expected this to be an exception, but instead I enjoyed the beginning of the advent season with the hanging of the greens and the framing up of the Christmas season. As it turned out, I did leave the church having been spoken too. I pray that I continue to feel the love and presence of Christ throughout the season of Advent as I did today.

This weekend was topped off by the hanging of our own personal "greens" this afternoon. Our beautiful new house looks even more beautiful with the colorful lights of Christmas wrapped around our porch and the pretty new Christmas tree, that so fittingly reflects the season on our little girls faces while they play in our living room.

Merry Christmas. Peace be with you.

I think...

I really need this shirt. Don't you?


This site has lots of great stuff that I am eyeing! www.raygunsite.com

I try not to talk politics too much on here, or in real life for that matter. I hate being disappointed by humanity, and politics inevitable disappoint. I don't like either party very much, and I don't particularly care about the election results, with one exception. I am really disheartened by the vote in Iowa to not retain the 3 judges on the ballot, who along with the other 4 supreme court judges, ruled that gay marriage is not illegal. There are a lot of implications to this action that make me uncomfortable, but above all it makes me really sad that so many people want to take out their anger on these individuals, for doing their jobs and making rulings based on the constitution. And that aside, I am really sad that there are so many people who want to stand in the way of marriage equality. I can't think of a single reason why someone would care to keep someone else from having the rights they enjoy. I know that there are people that I really respect that hold this opinion, but this is an opinion that I can not respect. God is love, and the hate puts me in a bad mood. I feel like we are involved in an ongoing sporting event and both teams will do anything to win. bleck.

This afternoon I turned on my Van Morrison Pandora station on my phone and reminded myself that there is so much more to life than politics.

Self Talk

Leila started out the night with no interest in going up to a strangers door and asking for candy. My Dad and I followed behind while Cory and Andrea led the kids up to the first driveway. I assured Leila that she had met the people who lived in this house, and there was no reason to be scared. I guess the allure of candy, and the reassurance that she would not be confronted with a total stranger was enough to give her the boost she needed to head up to the front door. She returned to the sidewalk with renewed confidence, and we were off!

As I walked down the street with Leila she was chanting happily, "I'm not scared! This doesn't scare me! I'm not scared! This doesn't scare me!"
I thought to myself of all of the mornings of late when I have woken up to an anxious feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I repeat to myself, "I'm not sick, today will be a good day. There is nothing to be worried about."
I have to appreciate that at the ripe old age of four years old, my little Leila has already discovered the art of self-talk. My first line of defense against the butterflies that have taken up permanent residency in my stomach...or maybe its in my mind, either way, I just have to hope that Leila's defense doesn't have to spend as much time on the field as mine does these days.

Block

I was in a leadership training session all day today (yawn) and the icebreaker question that the instructor asked was, "If you weren't working here, what would your ideal job be?"
This is always such a depressing thing for me to think about, because honestly, I don't think I am skilled at anything that I would *really* want to do as my ideal job.

Today I answered that I would be a professional blogger. Now I can't think of anything professional blogger worthy to say. Sorry.

My project

To mark the milestone of my 30th birthday I have started another blog. Don't worry, I am not walking away from Welcome to Motherhood! ;) I am adding a 365 blog. If it isn't something you are familiar with, basically, you post one picture from everyday of the year. As a full time working mom, I can't say that I will actually make that goal, but I am going to try. I won't be updating everyday, as that is basically impossible for me, but I expect to update at least once a week with a picture for each day. If you are interested, here is the link: http://mythirtyfirst.blogspot.com/

neurosis overload

The old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" is plaguing me. In typical fashion I have gotten myself really worked up, tried to get my mind in order and am now finally at the breaking point where I spew out all of my anxieties while attempting to infuse my post with humor so maybe it won't sound so pathetic to my two or three readers that bother to muddle through the stream of conscientiousness and run on sentences. The countdown is on. Three weeks until we can move into our new house. One week until I am a full time employee again, and our girls are full time daycare kids. Three weeks since I found myself in a constant state of stress that makes my stomach ache, my heart race, and my whole being a little bit terrified to leave this crappy apartment. I am "need a nap" tired about 90% of the time, and the only reasonable excuse I can come up with is that it takes a lot of energy to worry 24 hours a day. Yes, I know this isn't normal.

You would think I was prepping for a moon launch, or the dread equivalent of that little boy in that Disney commercial, "I'm too excited to sleep!"

"I'm too nervous to function!"

Birthdays

I have been thinking a lot lately about being a mother. Maybe it's because my birthday is fast approaching and I have never really considered my birthday as anything but my day. Now that I have a child I find myself thinking about Leila's birthday, and about the day that I was born. As a mother I would think that every birthday would be not only a day to celebrate the growth of your child, but also as the anniversary of the miracle that brought that child into the world. Being a mother has made me appreciate my own mom on a new level, and I hope that she gets a tremendous feeling of satisfaction every October 15th, and June 5th, and March 13th and November 27th, because she did an amazing thing on those days. Way to go Momma! Here are a couple of recent pictures of my little angel. Leila is starting week 3 of solid foods...We started out pretty slowly, as you can see by the look on her face, she didn't really think much of rice cereal at first. Now we think we have found the magic potion...Rice cereal and applesauce. She really seems to enjoy this. I think she will be sitting up on her own in no time. She loves to sit up with mom or dad behind her to keep her steady...It allows her the best access to her toys. Her favorite toy seems to be her Learning Lion that Great-Great Aunt Shirley sent to her. She spins the lion's stomach, and Cory and I just can't get enough of the tune... "I am a lion, I roar all day..." Just wait until you see a picture of Leila in her Halloween Lion costume...it may very well be the cutest thing ever.