Joy

Lately I am finding myself being frequently reminded about a church service we went to a couple of months ago. We don't go all that often these days, basically because we either spend the whole time trying to control Leila or we spend the hour in the nursery because she doesn't want us to leave her there, but a couple of months ago Cory and I decided to give it a try. We kept Leila with us, as we always try to do for the beginning of the service, and the congregation stood for the opening hymn. Those of you that know Leila know that she loves music, and church music is no exception! The song ended and everyone sat down in their pews as the church grew silent. I guess Leila really wanted to make sure that her opinion was heard because just as the silence set in she started clapping and yelled, "yay!!!" We had a lot of people turn around and give her a smile as laughter filled the silence. Thinking about this moment just warms my heart. Not because Leila is enjoying church, I am not so naive to assume that she "gets it," but because this moment defines for me the most precious gift of motherhood: being able to see your child express pure, uninhibited joy.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed with my life. Between work, keeping my house in order, trying to cook healthy meals for my family, keeping a financial hold on things and still find time for myself to get a good nights sleep and enjoy a little me time, I sometimes forgot to watch for those moments. My new years resolutions for 2008 is to work on finding a better balance for me and my family, to work on setting reasonable expectations for myself, and to try my hardest to recognize those moments of joy.

I remember a lot about my childhood. Cory can attest to the fact that I have a pretty impressive memory. Most of the time I find that to be a wonderful gift. I remember the house I grew up in and the worn path I walked on to get from the school bus to our back door. I remember the walk though the ditch with my sister and our dog when we made a summer trip to Grandma's house to work on a 4-H project. I remember the feeling of gratitude, acceptance and joy when my best friend from Tabor threw me a surprise birthday party the first year I had moved to a different school and had been feeling so alone. That is the good stuff; but I also remember feeling homesick and grieving the loss of my familiar life like I had never grieved before and the kids at school that made me feel inadequate and bad about myself; I remember that stuff too.

As a parent, I worry about Leila dealing with those things. I worry about her feeling awkward and hurt by potential teasing. I worry about her questioning who she is and if she is doing the right thing. When those times come, I am going to remember that day in church when she cried out in joy with no regard for what anyone thought of her.

If only we could all retain that precious gift of childhood. When the stress of my life starts to get to me and I find myself looking at those around me I just need to remind myself of that moment and take a lesson from my wise daughter.


Sorry this isn't about Christmas; a holiday that I hate until it is happening, and then I just love so much that my cup runs over with joy. It came and went in a blur, we had several family gatherings and I loved every one of them. There is nothing in this world that means more to me than family and I had a long Holiday weekend filled with just that, so nothing could be better. I will share some pictures of the events when I have some more time. Leila had a great time and I hope you all did too.

Merry Christmas!

Icicles

Today I was driving to the mall on my lunch break to pick up some Christmas gifts for Leila's teachers. There are trees all along the roadway on the Oakdale Campus that are in that stage of life where they aren't baby trees, but they aren't huge full grown trees either. You can tell that they were hardy enough not to have their trunk bowed by the storm, and not old enough to be brought down by the weight of the ice, but they are most definitely not unscathed by the ice storm. They are covered in ice and each limb appears like a large fat arm that the poor tree just can't seem to lift above it's "waist," they just look wore out, but not ready to give in.
Today the sun is coming out, and hopefully the trees won't be such a depressing sight to see tomorrow. Some of the trees just look beautifully preserved in a shiny coat of ice. I will post a few of those pictures that I have stolen from various places online.
I was hoping to find a picture online that looked like these trees so I could show you, but none of them really look like the trees I am thinking of that line the street outside of my work.
Anyway, I feel like one of those trees. I am getting by, but I feel like I am carrying about 50 extra pounds, both literally and figuratively.

Here is a picture from the local paper of a farm in our area:


And here is our deck on Tuesday:


Some pretty ice pictures I found...




Cory has been out of town all week. It's a struggle, every time he is gone I spend a lot of time questioning my parenting abilities. I don't cope well with single parenthood, and work travel takes a huge toll on me. I am sure that it is because Cory is such a wonderful, involved father that when I go from 50% needed to 100% needed, I just can't handle it. So don't expect any siblings for Leila ANYTIME soon!

Now-Enough of my miserable weather analogies and on to the good stuff, the reason we all visit this blog! :)

Miss Leila...what can I say, she is a genius. I hate to brag (well, that isn't really true), but I will anyway. We decided to buy her a potty chair. Yes, we know she is only 19 months old, but she is always telling us when she is going to poop, so we decided, why the hell not! That potty chair had been in our bathroom less than 24 hours when she made her first deposit. On Tuesday when we were home bound together I only changed one diaper. ...the rest was potty chair city baby! Progress has since slowed, but I am not pushing it, I still had to brag on my girl a little bit.

She is as joyful as always and here are some pics to prove it:

Here she is drawing on Grandma day, and no, she didn't make that snow man! :)


putting her hair spray away after momma put in her "pretties"


And here she is on Tuesday, this is the face she gives me when I say, "Leila please smile so mommy can take your picture!"


Much love! Tricia

Update

It has been an eventful couple of weeks for us. Shortly after Leila's 18 month appointment she had her first bout of stomach flu. That is definitely the worst we have had to deal with with her. It was so sad, she wanted to eat, but it would make her sick so had to tell her no when she asked for food, that was awful. Luckily it didn't last very long and she was back to her old self in about a day.
She got her picture taken at school, but we haven't gotten them back yet to scan and share here. My mom took her to get her picture taken since picture day was a Friday and Leila spends Friday's at home with my mom. My mom got to meet Leila's teachers and the other kids and she got see Leila singing songs and doing the actions with her class. I think they both had a good time.
Thanksgiving came and went. I was really not looking forward to my first Thanksgiving without Grandma. She was definitely missed, but my family all worked together to make it the best we could and I am sure Grandma was watching over our efforts. We put up Grandpa's Christmas Tree for him and put out some of the Holiday decorations. My Grandma was very into Christmas and she had tons of decorations. We just couldn't bear to think of her house not decked out as she would have it for Christmas. I am sure that when Christmas gets here it will be very hard for us again, but if there is one thing that I have learned in the past few months it is that our family will always be there, even without Grandma, we have each other and that helps bring comfort.
Well, Here are some pictures from our recent trips to Tabor.

Leila found a basket at Grandpa's house that fits her just perfect, she loves to carry it around and sit in it every once in a while :)


She had lots of fun playing at the Tabor park




Leila loves her toothbrush. Every morning she meets Daddy in the bathroom before we all take off for the day and they brush their teeth together.


Here are my two loves :)

18 months!

Leila had her 18 month appointment last week. All is well and she is 27 lbs 32 1/4 inches. A little piece of perfection :)
She is talking up a storm and still learning lots of baby signs. She recently picked up the sign for "hurt."
I have been really busy. I recently started a new job. So far it is going really well and I am very excited for the change and the new challenges. I will try to update with some more pictures from our weekend in Tabor soon. Leila enjoys playing at Grandpa's house and she had a great time at the park, I have pictures to prove it, but I am just teasing you for now. I will try to post again soon!

Another week has gone by, and a weekend is over. Things are going ok. Leila is getting smarter everyday. This week she has learned to identify the letters A and B. We are going to keep teaching her new letters, it is so cool to see her picking things up.
Tonight she picked up a new book that had pictures of a bunch of animals in it. Most of them are animals that she has seen before and knows, but this book has a donkey in it. She learned that a donkey says Hee Haw, and all evening she has been walking around saying "Hee Haw! Hee Haw!"
On Grandma day this Friday my mom put Leila's hair in pig tails...it was pretty adorable so of course we took some pictures.

Here she is standing next to her cupboard. :)


She loves the toys that Grandpa Carey makes for her, she couldn't decide which one to pull along behind her so she took both.


Leila loves Yogurt, she calls it Yo Yo and she even made up her own sign for it!


And here is my baby girl being very cuddly (uncommon for her) with her mommy. She has started calling Cory and I Mommy and Daddy instead of Momma and Dada. I like the upgrade :)

Small update

I feel like I should be taking the time to write a big update of all of the cool things that Leila is doing these days, but I don't have a lot of time. She is starting to call more people by their names and forming small sentences. She is great at putting her signs together as well as her words. We are of course too proud for words. Ok, until I have some more time, here are a few pictures from the last couple of weeks.

Here she is driving her little car around...please excuse my messy house.


Playing with Grandma Coobs. She had this toy that would throw off little frisbee like things.



Waiting for the toy to "fly"


And a couple of Leila enjoying the flowers in Elkader





Thanks for looking!

Separation Anxiety

When we had to switch daycare providers a couple of months ago Cory and I made a deal. I would work a slightly earlier shift and pick Leila up from daycare in the afternoon, and Cory would work slightly later and drop her off. Every morning I leave Leila at home happy with her daddy and when I go to pick her up she spots me across the room and drops everything to run to me yelling, "Momma, Momma!" As you can see, this is a good arrangement...for me.
Today was a bad day for Daddy. He came to work and found this article about separation anxiety. It described how when babies get to be 6-9 months old, they start to realize that they are separate from you, and that scares them, but they get past it when they realize all the cool stuff they can do on their own. Then when 18 months rolls around and they are now more mobile, they start to get scared of what might happen to them. Leila is at this place. She is constantly torn between running off and trying new things and sticking close to mom and dad who protect her.
The example in the article was about a child waiting for an elevator with his Dad. The elevator comes, the Dad gets in expecting the child to follow, but the door shuts. The author is left standing next to the child. He describes the child's reaction as being like his father was swallowed up, never to return.
Cory sent me the article and I had to respond to him with, "I think Leila and I are going through the same phase."
I am currently terrified that everytime someone I care about leaves my sight, that I will never see them again. It is a sad state when you have to admit that you are in the same developmental phase as your 1 year old, but that is where I am. So, please, take care of yourselves.
Alright, so it seems that lately I have turned mommytolbc.blogspot.com into listentotriciapout.blogspot.com. I hope that years down the road when Leila is reading my thoughts about her childhood, she doesn't think I forgot to love and adore her during my rough spots.
The past few weeks Leila has brought a lot of joy to the Howard family. Here are a few recent pictures of our princess.

Here she is trying on her halloween costume. She loves the costume and she oinks at it, but if you suggest she put it on, she says, "no, no, no!"



Here she is reading a book with Daddy. She is showing Cory where her eye is.



And here she is this morning before school, so cute in her new jogging suit!

A Tree Grows in Tabor

This past weekend my family got together again. I think that we all had this feeling that we just needed to do something, so we did.

My cousin Nick masterminded this project in the Tabor City Park to honor Grandma Dalene. It turned out beautifully, and it gave us an outlet for our grief. We are all still healing, slowly, and trying to be there for one another and for Grandpa. Our family will never be the same, but we can sure put our need to act to good use.

A favorite quote of mine is, "Storms make Trees take deeper roots." This storm has led us closer together in a lot of ways, and here is the culmination of our collective efforts. I hope that it brings a lot of enjoyment to those that use the park in Tabor and gives the Herd of Turtles a place to rest on their walks. :)










Nick had the idea to inlay a letter "H" for our family name across the circle from the memorial stone and Brian and I were laying out the bricks.






Here is the mastermind at work cutting bricks





The finished product






And some pictures from the tree planting














After we were finished up at the park we went back to Grandpa's house and Grandpa took Leila out to see the baby cows. I love this picture of Grandpa with Leila, I think the landscape is so beautiful.




And here are a couple more

Daisies

When Cory and I bought our house in 2003 I was excited to have my own flower garden. I went to Grandma’s house that next spring and we walked around her house while she pointed out all of her flowers. She has beautiful irises out by the gas tank, though at the time they were pretty depleted, she had just dug some up to give to a friend in town. She mentioned that she loved the irises, they are such pretty flowers, but they don't live very long before they are gone for the season. We walked along the back of the house, up the few steps along the flowerbed that runs alongside the back deck. There were daisies spotting the flower bed in different places. “We will have to dig up some of these daisies for you to take back to your new house, these daisies are from my mom’s garden,” Grandma said to me.

We picked nearly all of the flowers out of the gardens and we put them in recycled vegetable cans. We packed them up in the back of the car and went to visit the graves of cherished family members. Grandma and Grandpa drove us all over Mills County and beyond to put all of Grandma’s beautiful flowers on graves. We went to her Grandmother’s grave and Grandma said, “This is my grandma. I put flowers on her grave every Memorial Day. She was such a special lady and she was always so good to us kids.”

That was my grandma; a woman who picked all of her own beautiful flowers and gave them away. Whether it be to dig them up so some other person could continue too grow them in their own garden, or if it be her way of saying, “I still love and remember you” to a Grandmother that has been gone for nearly a lifetime.

My Grandma is love.

Daisies have a tendency to spread. No matter where you plant them, they will take over with their beautiful, bright blooms. They will even jump around your flower bed. Someone once told me that they planted daisies in their garden, and some popped up on the other side of the fence in the neighbor’s yard.

My Grandma really liked roses, her casket spray included several pink tea roses too suit her, but I kind of think of her as more of a daisy kind of person. When I was a child, I spent many days with my grandmother. Trying to pin down one special memory of her to share at her funeral was terribly difficult. When I was very young I would follow her around and pick vegetables, apples, and grapes from the garden. I loved the cinnamon pickles that she would make from the cucumbers from the garden.

I was fascinated by her from as far back as I can remember. She called me her little dish washer, because I would stand by her at the sink and dry dishes while I talked her ear off. In recent years she always said that her great granddaughter Kenna reminded her of me, because Kenna loves to talk. I was surprised when she made the comparison because I have never thought of myself as a big talker, but I appreciated that she remembered me as a child so well, though that shouldn’t have surprised me.

Grandma would go to craft fairs and come home with all kinds of ideas for 4H projects. My parents both worked and my mom was going to school. Without Grandma I never would have been able to participate in 4H, but I did it, and I did it well because of Grandma. She taught me how to follow a recipe, and then she taught me that you don’t really need to follow a recipe. She taught me how to sew dresses and crafts and pillows. We would buy a pattern to follow, and then she taught me that I didn’t really need a pattern. At nearly 27 years old, I love to cook and sew, but I never follow a recipe, and I can’t remember the last time I bought a pattern.

I have so many memories of my grandmother, far more then I could ever put in this blog or anywhere else but my heart. This week has been the hardest of my life, learning to accept that my Grandma Dalene is gone from this earth is a hard lesson, and I am not quite ready to learn that yet.

I took all of the pictures off of her memory card while I was back in Tabor and I kept watching this short video that she accidentally took. She never quite got how to work that camera. In the video you can tell that Grandma is holding the camera to her chest, pointed down at the floor. She was probably studying the back of that camera trying to decipher how too take a picture. In the video you can see the toes of her shoes. She walks across the floor and it is like you are right there with her, resting in her hand. What I wouldn’t give to be walking at her side, but that isn’t how it is meant to be. But those daisies, they jump around.

I haven’t transplanted the daisies yet, I always seem to forget them when the season is right to transport them, but I will. I don’t know where those daisies started, maybe it was my great Grandma Anderson’s house, or maybe she transplanted them from somewhere else, no matter where they came from, their journey is not over. Just as my grandma passed on to me the way to bake a cherry pie, and how, if it is too tart, all you have to do is lift up the top crust on your slice and sprinkle a little sugar; and how to turn a pair of 80’s style hammer pants into pants I wasn’t embarrassed to wear; I will be sure to teach my daughter, and my future grandchildren how to create, how to give and how to love as my Grandma did. Those daisies will find their way across the state, and they will continue to grow, even though Grandma is gone from this earth, she made the foundation in her garden and that is just the beginning.

My Broken Heart

My mind is spinning in circles right now. There is so much that I want to say, but I am not ready to put it into eloquent speech. For now, all I can say is that my heart is broken, and I will never be the same. As soon as I am able to, I will put it out there.

I love you Grandma

Coach

My sister Andrea and I took off after work one night to visit the outlet mall and we went into the Coach store. I saw this purse, hanging all by itself as if it were under a spotlight and I thought, “That purse is so me.” I picked up the purse from its perch, peaked inside, caught a glimpse of the price tag and had an immediate change of heart. Well, I would like to think it was immediate but Andrea could tell you that I kept going back and looking again, just in case I misread the price. I didn’t.

I have never been a purse person, or a make up person, or a clothes person. I guess we all have our priorities, and I have never made fashion one of mine. Why shouldn't I have an expensive designer purse and wear make up to work and get my hair colored and my nails done? I hadn’t even given it much thought up until that damn purse made me question who I was.

A lot of the women I work with are very put together, stylish people with shoes for every outfit and a cupboard full of product, maybe that is who I should be too. I have to admit that I have always admired the women who look like they put a lot of time, money and pride into their appearance. I wish I could look like I felt that good about myself. I tend to view myself as more of the frumpy type whose muffin top pretty much rules out the possibility of looking good in anything I wear, so might as well go with the old standby jeans and knit top from Target. Of course I look like an unpopular college student with gray hair who happens to work in a professional office, but there are worse things.

Weighing out the cost of a bimonthly hair cut and color, biweekly manicures; approximately 10 new pairs of shoes, a solid seven or so new trendy outfits, a face full of make up and that god forsaken Coach purse, in black and one in brown of course…and this clearly wasn’t the answer for me.

That purse was seriously starting to antagonize me. How could one overpriced hunk of leather make me feel so inadequate? I was now examining everything about my appearance in relation to that purse and I just didn’t measure up. So I am now clear on the fact that I can not afford to make myself into something that I am not. Well, that makes things a lot easier, that seemed like it would be a lot of work anyway. So if I am not a Coach carrying fashionista, what am I?

If ever there was an event, aside from spotting a coach purse to lust after, that has made me question every bit of who I am, it is the birth of Miss Leila. I now question how I treat my body, how I keep my home, how I contribute to mankind and how I treat the very earth I live in. Now that is one tiny little thing that could made me question everything about myself that the purse didn’t even touch on, you know the non superficial stuff.

Every morning when I wake up I am filled with a mix of two general ideas, 1. I do not want to go to work today, I want to hang out with my baby and frolic and spend money. 2. Please Lord, keep my family safe today I don’t want to wake up from the greatest dream I could have ever imagined.

When I was pregnant with Leila I remember going to work everyday and loving having her there, hanging out in my belly with me all day long. Her kicking and moving was a constant reminder of this wonderful blessing I had in my life. Life was good, Leila and I were inseparable, she never gave me any little baby attitude and childcare was free. What escapes me to this day, nearly 17 months after she was born, was how I managed to never think beyond the moment of her birth and how my life was about to change. There is only one way to put it; motherhood derailed me. I don’t even think I have started to recover yet, but maybe this is something you don’t recover from. My sense of what is important has completely flip flopped. I don’t care about my job, I don’t care about my hair, not that I ever did, all I care about is doing what is best for my child. When things get hard to handle, I can always look up at the picture on my wall of Leila with her crinkly nose smile and her daddy holding her up for the camera and remind myself that I am the luckiest.

In some ways I think I have gotten easier on myself. I still hate that I am overweight, but I now have an appreciation of what my overstuffed body is capable of doing. I single handedly sustained another human being through 9 months of pregnancy and her first year of life (well, unless you could the puree she smeared all over herself from 6-12 months). I still compare myself to other women, but I now I always win, because whatever they may have, they don’t have Cory and they don’t have Leila.

In other ways I am much harder on myself. I feel now even more that I want my life to have meaning, beyond motherhood; I want my child to be proud of her mother. I want to be proud of myself.

I like to think of the Coach incident as a sort of relapse. For a minute there, I forgot who I was in the face of a super cute, overpriced bag whose cost could have supplied diapers to my daughter for about 8 months (I said I questioned how I treat the Earth, I didn’t say I always chose the right answer). I did get a new purse; I like to think that I have two purses. I have a small Hobo style handbag. It is black with a trendy printed lining and strap. It isn’t exactly Coach, but it still holds all of my things and I feel good about carrying it. The other is a bigger bag. It is a tote style with lots of pockets. One to house my wallet and cell phone, and lots more to hold diapers, wipes, sippy cups and other baby paraphernalia. I feel especially good about carrying that one. I carry it with me whenever I can manage to have my baby along. Of course things are different now that she can’t come to work with me and has learned to throw a very impressive tantrum, but I am still constantly reminded of my blessing as I watch her grow and learn everyday. One of these days I will make her a little purse to match the purse and diaper bag that I made for myself.

Wonderful Weekend!!!

We had a fun filled weekend in Chicago. It was a great time and I don't think it could have gone any better. Leila was a dream child. She behaved through a Cubs game, a Hawkeye Football game and an hour and a half long boat ride on the Chicago River.

Now for the pictures!

We started out for Chicago on Friday morning and checked into our hotel by Grant Park before walking to the train station to hop a train across town to Wrigley Field for Leila's first Cubs game! It was Iowa Day at the ball park so we all wore our Hawkeye gear. BJ Armstrong sang the 7th Inning stretch and Iowa Athletic director Gary Barta threw out the first pitch.
The Cubs lost and played pretty terribly, but we didn't really mind.
Here is Leila hanging out in the stands with Steve's mom Mary Alice.


A girl can't sit still for that long without stretching her legs. Grandpa Carey didn't mind though.


Leila didn't quite make it to the 7th Inning stretch before she needed a break.


After the game we caught the train back to the the hotel. We decided to walk around and find a place to eat. I had never really been to Chicago other than to attend an event and turn around and go home so it was a neat experience for me. We saw the huge fountain in Grant Park and walked all along Lake Michigan on our way to Navy Pier where we had dinner and checked out the Hawkeye Huddle. There were so many Hawkeye fans in town that if we always felt pretty close to home. We had a few people asking us what all of the yellow was about because they had seen so much of it around town. I think Chicago definitely noticed the Hawkeye presence! On our way back to the Hotel we hopped on a Trolley and got off on Michigan Ave and headed back from there. It was a long walk but it was also really neat to get to see the City and night and all of the stores on Michigan Ave. Chicago is definately a different experience then we were used to.

Andrea and Steve had stayed in Iowa City until after Steve's high school football game was over and they didn't get to go to the Cubs game with us, but they had a secret to reveal on Saturday morning and I couldn't wait! Since the whole Howard family along with the Smith family had made the trip, it was the perfect time to announce the upcoming arrival of BABY SMITH!!!!! ETA April 19th, 2008.



I can't tell you how excited and happy I am for my sister and Steve!

Here are some pictures from the Iowa game.
Leila is SO excited to see her first Hawk game, and is also considering trying out for a KISS Cover band.


Lets go Hawks!








The Hawkeyes won 16-3 and we all had a great time.
We were dead tired after the game and decided that we were not in the mood to wander around for 4 miles like we had done the night before. We ordered some Chicago Style Pizza and headed to bed.

We decided to round out Leila's first vacation with a Sunday spent at Navy Pier. We went to Lunch at Bubba Gump shrimp company




And walked around and checked out the fountains.





We ended our afternoon with a boat ride up the Chicago River. It was really cool. Our tour guide was funny and he told lots of interesting stories and described the buildings all along the river. Leila wasn't so sure about the boat ride but she settled down and did a great job.









Leila fell asleep as soon as we got on the road and only woke up for the stop at Ikea.
We all had a great time and are looking forward to our next family trip, when we will have two little babies around. Did I mention that I am SO EXCITED to be an aunt?!?!?!!