Even

The time was getting away from me all week and so I found myself at Target during my lunch hour today to search out a birthday gift for Sunday's little birthday girl.
This is not an easy task, and it got me to thinking about how much of who Thea is, is because of her sister. When I think of what Thea likes...aside from books and puzzles, which she genuinely seems to adore, she likes what Leila likes. They both carry around their stuffed animals, special blankets (Though Leila seems to be outgrowing this) and they play with Barbies and Polly Pockets.

As I walked through the Target store I went up and down the toy aisles looking for something especially for Thea. There were lots of baby dolls, but I had already told others about Thea's love of babies. I saw a baby stroller. We already have one, even if has been through the beatings of one child already. That is a guilt pang for another day.

I can't bring myself to buy Polly Pockets and Barbies for my 2 year old. She is a baby, and likely wouldn't care about those things at all if her big sister didn't make them seem so attractive. I finally settled on a puzzle and a musical guitar. But I left the store feeling unsure about my choice, and worrying.

Every time I tell Leila or Thea that I love them, I worry that the other will think that I don't love them as well. When Thea does something that is totally adorable, as nearly 2 year olds frequently do, I tend to gush my affection for her. I look at Leila, as she tries to create the same reaction in her mother and I know, she isn't getting enough from me.

Sometimes I wish I had a clicker in each pocket so I could keep track of the attention that I rain on my children, and make sure that the count comes out as evenly as Santa's offerings on Christmas morning. At least I know that at only 2 years old Thea won't look at her birthday presents and think, "You don't even know me!" But I think that my Thea goal for her 3rd year must be to learn more of what my little girl is when big sister isn't around. And of course, even it out with some solo Leila time as well! ;)